Posted by Pattie on 2/01/2004 08:29:00 PM


I haven't written much here in the past few months.

I want to write more. I think it is good discipline to write in this public space.

I am lonely for company. In some ways the blogger world is the most accessible for me.

Carl, my partner in love, work and play, was in pain from October to Janaury. It is a long story. Longer than it should have been and longer than I want to write about here.

I was afraid I might lose Carl to whatever was causing his pain. Doctors mention words like "tumour" and I freak out a bit. There was no tumour, as it turned out. It was a "cruddy" (surgeon's words) gall bladder. After going to the emergency room and waiting for 4 hours, they gave Carl demoral and valuum. I watched as the pain left his face and he fell into a deep, relaxed state and I cried because only then did I realize how much his face had been showing his pain. His nurse said to me "Don't worry, we will keep him here until we find out what is going on. We will get to the bottom of this." After 3 months of doctor's saying "I don't know. Go home, suffer and we'll run more tests," the nurse's words were the sweetest I'd ever heard. Sixteen hours later Carl was in surgery and we were both relieved to have an answer and a simple solution. He is still recoverying from the surgery, but he is doing better now.

I don't write much about my love for Carl because it is personal and because it seems like bragging. I guess I don't want to jinx it. But after 13 years of being together, we have settled into a nice rhythm. We probably look volatile on the outside, because we fight as hard as we love, work and play. But I feel connected to Carl in ways I cannot begin to describe. I guess the best word is love, but it seems inadequate.

We gave up the radio show during this time. We had decided we couldn't continue much past this year anyway and it just seemed pointless to try to keep it going only to let it go later.

I'll write more about this, but we are moving forward in filmmaking. We finished a 14 minute short called Free Way using footage we shot in British Columbia and the Yukon last summer. We have several other projects in various stages of production. And, we have, uh, plans.

So February (the month of love) seems hopeful to me. A lot is changing right now. I am changing. My career is changing. February seems like a good month to make changes.