Posted by Pattie on 6/20/2011 01:07:00 PM

I should have known better.

I think this what anyone who has ever been scammed by another person thinks.

The feeling is an overwhelming sense of shame and anger. Shame because surely if I had been smarter, paid more attention, checked out more things, etc. then I wouldn't have been taken. Anger because the disruption and damage hurt. Anger, also, because the world is a little tougher and I'm a little more jaded each time this happens.

The "confidence" man (or woman, I've been scammed by both genders) counts on the fear and shame. I don't like people who take things for granted about me. They hope that I will be too naive to understand that I've taken. Failing that, they hope I will be too embarrassed to report them.

I've been recently scammed and this one hurt badly. I was vulnerable and I think this guy saw that vulnerability and took advantage. Yes, I should have known better. I should have looked things up. I should have checked things out. I've got the knowledge. I've got the resources. But I thought I could trust. I shouldn't have.

Essentially I've lost an amount that might not be a lot for many people, but represents a large amount for me. I've lost it at the worst time of the year to lose it. And it is a set-back that happened when I thought I might be actually recovering from the last set-back (which, btw, also began with a scam).

Let me be clear. I'm doing what I should do at this point. I'm talking with my prepaid lawyer about it. I'm collecting evidence. I'm taking it one step at a time. I am determined not to just let it go because I believe this person is targeting vulnerable people and he needs to be stopped.

What I'm not doing is coping well with it emotionally. I'm trying. After all I feel worse after each breakdown, like he's winning again, making me more vulnerable. I also feel ungrateful to the people who are helping me survive this. But I am crying. A lot. I have this feeling of having been socked in the gut. I'm a little nervous, anxious, jumpy. And just about anything can trigger tears.

I'm also withdrawing. Being civil to people is hard to do right now. I'm wishing I could run far away from humans. I'm feeling disgusted with the whole human race.

I'm also fighting to not let this change me. I'm basically an optimistic person who believes that people should just be straight with each other. Okay, I know most people are not and I have healthy skepticism. But one of the reasons I'm vulnerable is the my first inclination is to trust, to believe. I hate, hate, hate that people don't respect that. I hate, hate, hate that now I have to distrust, check out, test people. I hate, hate, hate that now I have to build a taller wall and keep more people out in order to stay safe.

I also hate the insecurity of the loss. I worked hard this past semester, taking on an extra course. Basically I've lost 3/4 of what I made on the extra course. This was supposed to be money that would cushion the summer months, making it an easier time. Now it is going to be one of the worst summers yet. I really don't need another bad time. I've survived so many. I want a break. I deserve a break.

A part of me believes that I must have been a monster in my previous life because it feels like I'm punished over and over again. Bad karma.

I probably shouldn't write about this in public, but doing so affirms my desire to remain a basically open and honest person. So here it is, raw.

I have been through scams and set-backs and hard times so often that I know I will survive. But the emotions are still real.

I also write in the hope that writing will make it better. Sometimes things stated out loud lose their power.

Finally I write because others may feel the same thing. I want you to know that the feelings do not prohibit taking action. You can do all the right things and still feel these feelings.

I'd like to say it is all better now, but it is not. I'm still anxious and on the verge of tears and overwhelmed. But it did help. At least I know I'm not defeated. Something important to remember.

7 comments:

eselle said...

Hello from the other end of the Mojave desert here in Southern California.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I've had similar things happen to me.

I was also angry with myself for trusting, at others because they were not trustworthy and at the universe for putting such a situation in my path in the first place.

The encouragement I can offer is that it will get better. It will take time, but things will even out.

Also, not everyone is an asswad even though it seems like it right now. There really are good people out there. Unfortunately,you gotta sift through the jerks to find em.

notblueatall said...

*Hugs* The universe is beating everyone up the last week or so. It must be some planetary alignment thing, but if it's not perhaps I don't wanna know what it is. It's too painful to bear at this point. Everyone I know (incl. myself) is going through the wringer and I can't figure out why or if there is a connection. It's so exhausting, all of this pain and emotion. I wish I had something to say, but you sound like you know what you need anyway. So I send you my love and hope that things will get better for all of us sooner rather than later. <3

Anonymous said...

I hope that everything ends up super sparkly fantastic okay, and that your summer is beautiful regardless, and that you find joy and peace, and that the scammer gets his comeuppance and that you get to know about it. Good on you for taking stock of yourself and, having found some strength, using it. Also good on you for recognizing you need to comfort yourself, too, and at the very least let the bad feelings out. That's some pretty amazing stuff.

Jan said...

Hi Pattie. I also write things out when I feel so angry or upset that it is impossible to keep it in. It seems to help me a little bit, although it never removes the feelings that drove me to it in the first place.
One thing I have noticed is that when things go wrong they seem to come one after another. This has sometimes led me to deep depression and then I started directing the anger at the situation that caused it, and not me. That helped me. But I agree that it is a real kick in the guts when some person sets out to intentionally scam another. They do pray on the vulnerable, and those the least likely to fight back. It takes strength to take these scammers on and give them the kick up the bum they deserve. I really hope you can rectify this crappy situation in your favour.
Hugs Pattie, I am hoping for the best for you.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that I'm kind of new to fat acceptance. I've just read through your commenting policy and I must say, you are a sensitive soul but have you thought about praying? I was going through a rough patch about 2 years when I applied to be a Barack Obama Fellow(ship) and was rejected. I was also the victim of rape and witchcraft and now have herpes but God kept me going and it is through Him that I have found my worth. You shall too! Stay strong, dear and remember, what won't kill you will make you wiser! Good luck and God speed!

Andrea said...

Hi Patti, we have been in touch before on Facebook after I read your book, which I found so helpful. Since that time I've written a manuscript of my own about my journey with weight and size.

I wanted to let you know that I once was victim to a scam of the tune of 3k. Having a doctoral degree, I thought I should have been smarter then that, but I too have been too trusting and I hate that I've had to learn to be not so trusting. Just wanted to let you know, I hear what you are saying here.

Andrea Silva McManus

Anonymous said...

Is this something that you can tell us about so that we avoid a similar scam? If someone like you, as smart as you, can get scammed, I worry about me. What happened?