fattypatties

Why I haven't written lately

I have been gone from the blog world for several months now -- really almost a year. I've seen some very kind people ask about me in a few places that I lurk and I appreciate more than you can know that I've been missed.

Last summer, I thought I was on the verge of finally having a place in the world from where I could stand. I worked very hard last year on an enterprise that fell apart in October. I can't go into details in a public place, but let's just say that my life turned upside down quite quickly.

I believe that we've made the best of a bad situation and the final outcome (which hasn't been realized yet) might still be the best thing that could have happened, but the experience has left me a little shellshocked and I'm just now finding my bearings again. In addition, I grew quite tired of the continual debates that were happening online and I basically needed perspective.

All of that isn't why I want to write now. I want to write now because lately I've been reminded of who I am and who I have been. I'm currently converting my clippings from past writing into .pdf files and well, it turns out that I've had quite a writing career without even realizing it.

I know that for an author and a former journalist to even say that might be weird. But life feels like it has snuck up on me. I turn 50 this year and I'm not taking it well at all. I thought it would be a glorious year of vindication and instead I've been reminded on many levels just how fragile my life is and how little of my dreams I've fulfilled.

So discovering these old clippings and realizing how much I've actually produced really has moved me to remember that at the core I'm a writer.

Molly Ivins passed away recently. I didn't agree with everything she wrote, but I certainly was always entertained by her. She passed away much too young, so I don't exactly envy her life, but I look at what I'm capable of writing and I wish I could have the platforms that she had to make my voice heard.

That's what I'm searching for right now--a way to be a writer without having to be something else at the same time. I don't think that's really possible. And I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket, but I sure wish I could find a way to make a decent living writing.

I guess one of the reasons I haven't blogged is because I'm so tired of writing for free. But I miss writing. Right now I'm working fulltime as a tax preparer, running an office for the season. I can do the work in my sleep. It isn't great money but it is paying the bills. But I feel like my soul is languishing. April is coming quickly and I'm looking for more permanent work, but I wish I could just write a daily column somewhere. I could do that easily. There is so much to talk about.

But I find that I have to write and this is a place to write and so I'm resolved to move out of my funk and come back here and opine about the world and life and just plain stuff for free for awhile.

I do have some blog "articles" in queue. I have limited e-mail access, but I will make some time and upload some stuff when I can.


I guess at the very least I'll let you know how the pursuit is going.