Mother's Day is a tough holiday for me personally. There are women like me in the world who appear to the world around us as childless but who have lost one or more children at some point in the stages of becoming/being a mother.
I didn't exactly have a miscarriage. My son died while still inside me and I went through the pain of waiting for my body to figure that out. When that didn't happen, labor was induced. "No heartbeat" still rings in my ears and stings my soul over 21 years later. This is not something that one "gets over." It is something that one "lives with."
The question "Do you have any children?" is an impossible one for me. At one point in my life, I answered "yes" and offered the explanation. Now I sometimes answer "no" because it is easier and less invasive. But the answer "no" pains me nonetheless. I feel like I am betraying something or someone.
There are several times each year that make me pause: January 16, when labor was induced; mid-July when he would have been born; the Christmas season; and Mother's Day. I think today is the toughest because I feel like it's on everyone's mind. But it is also the easiest because I know there are women who feel like I do, who feel left out, who harbor some dread even if they honor their own mothers.
Today is not a happy day for everyone. Please remember on this day several things:1. That some people do not have good mothers. Women are not instantly good mothers because they had sex and fertile wombs. Motherhood is something that one has to practice and learn. So don't assume that everyone should honor their mother. Some mothers are not worth honoring and children who know that are often better people than the mother's who bore them.
2. That the children of some mothers are no longer with us and that this day might be hard for those mothers.
3. That even women who have no children can be good mothers. We can understand how we are expressions of Mother Earth and we can care for and nurture others, ensuring that their lives are fruitful, peaceful and fulfilling.
4. That men can be good mothers too. All creatures are capable of nurturing and caring. We are all mothers and fathers. We have both natures inside us. These words we construct with masculine and feminine meanings are mere reflections of the deeper capacity all human beings have to care and frankly, right now, this world could use a lot more caring.
5. The origin of this holiday is Mother's Day for Peace. Howe encouraged women to use their experiences of motherhood in the wider social world, to think of a world that is good for all children, including all children who have grown to adulthood. Today should be a call for charity, peace and freedom.
So I write this today as a way to transform my own experience of this day into something more than an annual reminder of personal loss. Today I choose to celebrate motherhood. Yes, I will call my mom, whom I do honor. But I will remember that this is just one expression of what this day could/should mean. Knowing that today should be a call for peace among us humans makes this day easier for me to take.
The events of the last week have weighed heavily on my soul. I long for peace and freedom. So I celebrate today as a reminder of that peace and freedom. I hope others will too.
Happy Mother's Day of Peace.
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That is such an incredibly difficult experience. When you work in childbirth-related fields as long as I have, you know a number of women to whom this has happened, and it never fails to leave an indelible, permanent scar on their hearts, whatever the circumstances.
A mother's love is a mother's love, whether the child lives or has died, and it always transforms you in some way. Many hugs to you on this bittersweet day.
"1. That some people do not have good mothers. Women are not instantly good mothers because they had sex and fertile wombs. Motherhood is something that one has to practice and learn. So don't assume that everyone should honor their mother. Some mothers are not worth honoring and children who know that are often better people than the mother's who bore them."
Thank you for this. Mother's Day is a difficult holiday for me because my mother was abusive and as an adult I have very limited contact with her. The ubiquitous messages of how wonderful mothers are and how grateful we should be...make me feel like a "bad daughter" and trigger me to question my own memories and emotions. Reading this post is exactly what I needed today.
I know a woman who would be a first-time mother. She became pregnant with twins a few months ago. One by one, she lost both twins before birth.
What is the best way for an outsider like me to react? I'm not really close to her, and don't want to bring up bad feelings by muttering some awkward sympathetic words. Should I just ignore it, trusting that she'll mention it if she feels the need?
Some people just seem to know the right thing to do or say at such times, but I'm not one of them.
Mulberry
I can't really say what is the best thing to do or say because it really is something that one has to go through. There's no real comfort. I remember hearing on television a woman who lost her son to the Lockerbee explosion about a year before all this happened to me. She had a sign on the wall that said "The question is no longer how to find an answer but how to live without one."
I do know some things that hurt me greatly.
1. Please don't talk about how God has a plan or these things happen for a reason. That's like saying, "well you sacrificed your kid so you can have a better life." Believe me, it isn't comforting.
2. Don't say "there will be more in the future" because you don't know that and because even if someone has more children, one kid does not make up for the loss of another.
3. Don't say "I understand" unless you really have been through losing a child. I had a friend a few years before who lose her daughter and I had told her I understood. The night after I lost my son, I called her and apologized. I did not understand until that moment.
I think perhaps the best thing to do is listen if the opportunity avails itself and let the person know you are willing to listen if they need to talk. Also, if you want to be there for this woman, you might wait a few weeks. Right now people are probably coming out of the woodwork, but others get on with their lives much sooner than I did and the people who realized I still needed support a month or two or six or twelve down the line were the ones that I remember most fondly.
I hope that helps. It really is hard to watch someone go through this. The sad truth is that you can't do it for her. She has to work through her grief in her time.
Thanks for caring enough to think about it. That's probably more than 90% of the people she will encounter.
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