Posted by Pattie on 1/03/2006 01:30:00 AM

I hate nights like this. I am exhausted and yet I can't sleep. I hurt all over. I'm depressed. I know its been nearly three months since I last wrote here. I don't have the energy to explain why. I just needed to come back by and reclaim the space as it were.

I have a mixture of absolute hope and total and complete despair this morning. Does that sound too dramatic? The weird part is that it is mixed with boredom. I am bored with the holidays and the traditions and the rituals.

Maybe all these feelings of joy, hatred, fear, boredom, hope and love are just the ravishes of hormones. It turns out I'm probably in menopause. I have many of the symptoms. I'm finding it aggrevating. I haven't had a period of ten years since my hysterectomy and so I haven't given much thought to the emotional and physical roller coaster that used to me my cycle. Now my ovaries have caught up with the rest of the plumbing and I am back in throes of ups and downs. Except this time they come with hair growing in places I don't want hair to grow and hot flashes and bladder control problems and dryness and gum and teeth problems. Rather than a life changing experience--a transition to a new stage, I just feel like my body is falling apart.

I wish this culture offered more wisdom on what to do when the body goes through this. I have found a considerable lack of knowledge.

I hate to admit that I also find myself fearing aging and death more these days. I don't like it. I wanted to be graceful and spritual about all this but in truth I'm just really, really annoyed. There is so much I want to accomplish and the time to do so is waning. And, of course, being disabled and dealing with chronic illnesses complicates everything.

As does lack of health insurance, lack of steady income and lack of a medical system that I can trust.

Okay, okay, it isn't really fair to post such a negative post after not writing for so long.

I promise I'll post something about all the positives (and there are some) soon. In the meantime, I'm going to try to go back to bed and get some sleep.

Happy fucking new year.