Posted by Pattie on 7/24/2005 05:07:00 AM

Life is Absurd

Some times I stop and try to make sense out of my life. Usually, I hate to admit, when things are not going well. Life is absurd. That is the only thing that makes sense to me.

Of course, this is coming from someone who is awake after not being able to sleep well for days and my guess is that my sore neck and shoulders, my lack of sleep and my general ups and downs have led me to this feeling of ennui and existential despair.

This week has been one of the most absurd.

On the plus side, I've forged a business partnership that I believe will be quite rewarding in a few months both financially and personally. We've also made a multimedia connection in town that looks like it is going to be a mentoring situation that may finally produce attention to some of our projects. We found a way to get some financial relief that will give us breathing room so we can get to the end of some projects without having to drop back and punt. I made some significant contacts and leads at my networking group. We finally have Internet access at home (which is why I can write this at 5am instead of sleeping). My baby's mementos survived the TAH purge.

On the negative side, TAH rogered us more that I could even imagine with furniture and books missing as well as my life's work. We've been trying to get an air conditioner for our van and still are having problems getting it installed which may seem trivial except that over 20 people have died in the Phoenix heat during the past two weeks and the monsoons are here with dust storms that carry valley fever. I got caught in a mud storm Friday night. It was, uh, different to see a wall of mud hit your car. Fortunately, I was in a rental car at the time. The week ended with me in considerable neck and shoulder pain from I do not know where, my a/c in the apartment leaking water, from I do not know where and one of our computer's crashing with little hope of recovery (though I still believe in the gadget man). I, of course, have not back-up for the past three weeks and have probably lost some significant work on several projects and a thorough job of 3rd quarter planning. Of yeah, and I managed because of the crash to totally forget that a friend of mine was the opening act last night at a comedy club here in town and we missed her show. Of yeah, and one of my favorite dog's in the world was found to have liver cancer and I feel really sad, especially for the two wonderful women who are her keepers.

Roller coaster.

What am I supposed to make of a week like this. I feel a bit beat up.

I went to bed at 2:30 am and woke up around 4:30 am in a cold sweat. A quick look-up suggests it is the a/c problems and not valley fever.

One step forward and two steps back. I've been here before. I ought to know by now that these things pass, but right now it just feels like the shuffle.

I read these words this week and they worry me:

Some people think themselves into a corner with obstacles that are illusionary. By the time they decide what to do, the opportunities are gone and old age is upon them. All of their dreams have passed them by.

I sometimes feel like I'm in a race of sorts and that the "Langoliers" are chomping away.

Next Thursday is my birthday. My 48th birthday. That probably has something to do with my general mood as well.

Certainly the loss of our papers and the loss of our hard drive presents an opportunity for a new start. Maybe this is a Shaman's Death, a ritual initiation that will allow me a rebirth of sorts.

One voice says "yes, walk towards the life." Another voice says, "Are you kidding me? You are certainly arrogant to assume any spiritual meaning to this crap."

As I said, life gets absurd some times.

Well, the sun is up. I'm going to see if I can get some sleep.