Posted by Pattie on 2/06/2005 06:02:00 AM

Roller Coaster Week

A bunch of things happened this week. Most of which, I don't think I can really write about yet, which is frustrating.

I'm living on the edge right now. I might have a new career opportunity. It looks good and it is something that would bring in some money, which we desparately need right now. But it is just out of reach and I am anxious to get started. I might have some help getting started, but I'm not sure if the help is coming or not. In the meantime, we have to survive and I'm not sure how bills are going to get paid this month. It could be good. It could be fantastic. I could be disasterous.

My book, Taking Up Space, is making progress. Several people have agreed to read it and write endorsements for it, including someone special to write the introduction. I'm excited about this. I am warmed by the support I feel. I'm also delighted that the book seems to be striking a chord among people. It should be out in late summer or early fall of this year (2005).

Our February fund drive for The Ample Traveler© has made a slow but sure start. We've collected $43 so far. I am warmed by the support we've received.

But I'm also worried about the lack of response and the negative response. I've had a couple of hate e-mails in response to it, which is always unnerving. I spend a lot of time talking about how being seen in public places as a disabled fat woman is an act of subversion, but I'm always surprised when being visible invites resentment. I guess it shouldn't be surprising. People resist change. People cling to their judgements and categories as if they were Linus's security blanket.

It is good. It is bad. I am up. I am down. Things are tense right now. It is time for change, but I'm not sure what will change and if those changes will lead to better things and what my role should be. I'm tired and stressed and excited and worried and anticipatory and, well, anything but calm.

And the clock keeps on ticking. I'm going to try to have fun today and pretend that things are not in an uproar. After all, it's Superbowl Sunday, so there's a party somewhere.