Posted by Pattie on 4/30/2003 07:02:00 AM


Okay, here's some things I know about sleep:

1. You don't get to deep sleep (delta sleep) until about the 5 1/2 hour mark.

2. If you don't get delta sleep, you don't get good rest.

3. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row for nearly a month now.

4. I am awake again and no sign of sleeping in sight.

5. When I don't sleep well, I get paranoid.

I am, therefore, having a lot of feelings about not being good enough and everyone hating me. I recognize the evidence and the feelings are disconbobulated. But the feelings are there nonetheless.

So I went to sleep last night around midnight and woke up at 3:30am feeling hot. I have all the windows open right now and the coolness feels great, but it is two hours later and I'm still awake.

On my mind:

immigration to Canada -- After a lot of bureaucratic entanglements, we made the first milestone yesterday -- the FBI sent clearances -- now it is time to pay the piper and get the show on the road. (next steps: get photos made and get a cashier's cheque and then send it all to Buffalo -- then wait for more bureaucratic entanglements).

taxes -- Well, the good news is I finally had an income last year after years of poverty. It wasn't much of an income, but it was enough that now I get to pay taxes. It turns out Canadian taxes are high. Who knew? (Actually, I don't know that Canada is that much higher than the US and I certainly feel we get more bang for the buck here than I did in the US, but because I work contract, it is particularly hard to swallow the all-in-one-lump-sum I'm facing -- a little over 12% of what I made last year -- it is a big bite).

overdue reports for work -- Speaking of the job and the last minute -- I have some work to do. But, hey, I apparently would rather be blogging. :D

pain -- Even when I'm not in particular pain, I still anticipate it. Especially, when I can't sleep.

the sun -- I am extremely sensitive to sunlight. It gives me rashes. It gives me headaches. It gives me a feverish feeling that makes me ache all over. Victoria is beautiful in the spring time, but for me, Spring has its dangers. Long, sunny days and lots and lots of pollen.

housework -- Taxes, immigration applications, work reports all conspire to interrupt housecleaning chores. I have no clean underwear and the dishes are piling up. Yuk. Besides, what's a good worry session unless you throw in some good old fashion female guilt. But, hey, I apparently would rather be blogging. :D

fat acceptance -- the hatred is still pervasive and it wears on me.

war and rumours of war -- what's a good worry if I don't include the tension of the world situation?

radio and film -- all these other things are conspiring to keep me from what i really, really want to be doing -- it isn't that i don't get to do some of these things -- it is that i just can't do them at will

not sleeping -- I know, it's redundant, but insomnia causes insomnia.

the they institute of getting me --I know "they" are out there plotting away right now. In fact, they are probably reading this right now and will find a way to use it against me. I wonder if my mention of the FBI earlier will bring back the surveillance guys from New Mexico. See they are out there. I know it. If not them, then the other them. Yeah, you know, THEM.

All this worrying is wearing me down. I think I'll go try to sleep again.