Posted by Pattie on 8/05/2002 07:43:00 AM

I'm more rested than I was and less confused than I was. Too much going on in my life still, but I'm a bit more clear on how to handle it all. Being with my mom and my brother for the first time in year was good. I discovered I missed them more than I realized. I have an immigrant's heart now, I believe. I came to Canada for real reasons, good reasons, personal and political reasons. I do not regret coming. I am happier here. I like it here. I am beginning to fit in here and think of it as home. But, I left more behind than I realized and when they left on Saturday I cried. I am still crying. I wish they wanted to be here, but I do not want to go back there. So we remain apart.

I use vacations as self-examinations. I drew a few conclusions while I was meditating in Port Hardy last week.

1. I am not writing enough. I am a writer first and foremost. I lose sight of that sometimes.

2. I miss drawing, painting and photography. I am going to take an art class this fall. I need some sort of structure to push me into doing art. I can't seem, yet, to do it for the sheer pleasure even though I receive great pleasure when I do it.

3. I am not working as efficiently as I could as a researcher. I am going to be more disciplined.

4. I really like it here. It is time to make everything official. I've been biding my time, checking things out. It is time to commit to Canada.

5. I am happier and more satisfied with my life than I have ever been. It's time to let go of some of the pain of the past and to relax in the good stuff. I don't relax in the good stuff easily.

These are my conclusions. Whether they change my life remains to be seen.

But I did have fun last week. I decided to have fun and for the most part, it worked.